Modern Christian Mythology: The Lost Years of Jesus

The Lost Years of Jesus

The legend that Jesus spent some time in India, boning up on sacred texts, meditating, perhaps charming snakes, is a popular one amongst those looking for a more esoteric version of Christianity.

Christians, of course, would be the first ones putting a stop on this. The thought the Jesus needed to train to become the messiah would contradict the divine nature of his knowledge.

And for those subscribing to a less supernatural version of Jesus, a ‘wise man’ perhaps, there just isn’t a need for it. Firstly, the teachings attributed to Jesus don’t resemble Hindu philosophy. They more closely mirror the tenets of Greek Stoic philosophy, which was well established in the Hellenistic world and would have been easily available to either a wandering religious leader, or an anonymous author writing the story of such a person.

Secondly, the meme only appears to go back to the 19th century. Nicolas Notovitch, seems to have been the first to have publicly written about it. In La vie inconnue de Jesus Christ, he claimed that he had found a long lost document recording the Indian tutelage of Mr Christ while recuperating from a broken leg at a monastery in Hemis, India. His account was quickly debunked by professor of Indian studies Max Mueller.

Modern Christian Mythology: The Bones of John the Baptist Have Been Found

The Bones of John the Baptist Have Been Found

Dem Bones, dem bones, dem dry bones …

Trivia Question: How can ancient bones be matched up to an individual from antiquity? Yes yes, if there was soft squishy material also found, like bone marrow for instance, and we have known relatives, let’s say modern day ancestors or a deceased but confirmed relative, we could do DNA testing. That would still only tell us that the two subjects are related, and is still not a positive ID, though. Let’s say, there is no soft squishy material is found and there are no known relatives. What then? That’s right, shit out of luck. Sorry.

So, a recent news story has claimed the the bones of John the Baptist have been found at St Ivan Island off the coast of Bulgaria, which is about a thousand miles (check) from where the character supposedly died.

Great story. Lot of fun. It’ll probably draw in tourists by the boat load and be a boon to local economy. But, unfortunately, it’s full of shite.

Bulgaria is not the first place to claim to have relics (that’s a nice way of saying body parts) of John the Baptizer. Alexandria is quite famous for it, as are other places. Hay, he was popular guy. Everybody wanted a piece of him (rim shot!). One reason he was so popular is because he always kept his head about him. Well, not always (rim shot!).

Speaking of losing your noggin’, the infamous head of John the baptist is claimed to be in Munich, Germany … as well as Rome …  and  France … and Antioch … and Damascus. And probably a lot of other places, too.

It’s quite funny, really. Maybe I should claim that the oil stain in my garage is the blood of John the Baptist. I could charge people 5 bucks to kiss it. Apparently, when it comes to religion, anyone can make any damn claim they want to without anyone asking for proof. If anyone does ask if it’s real, you just need to tell them to have faith.

John The Baptist ... and a sheep

Modern Christian Mythology: Backwards Satanic Messages

Backwards Satanic Messages

The myth that rock bands, particularity the really loud ones that parents hated already, were such technological geniuses that they could hide secret satanic messages in their music that could only be detected by playing the record backward was exceedingly popular when I was growing up.Which just goes to show you, no matter how many drugs rock bands pump into their bodies, they will never be able to match the pure imagination of a small town preacher with too much time on their hands.

Oddly enough, though, this story not only gave me a reason to listen to Led Zeppelin, it eventually turned me into a huge fan of theirs.

Stairway to Heaven

Sounds pretty creepy. Probably because it’s all backwards.

What would even have to be true for this to work?
1. Subliminal messages would have to work
2. People would have to be able to decipher voices played backwards

As far as I’ve ever learned, both are false. The most famous story of subliminal messages, of course, is the story about a New Jersey movie theater that played Coke and popcorn subliminal messages during a movie, causing sales of those products to sky rocket. Good story. Unfortunately, it’s pure fiction:

Subliminal entrepreneurs are holdovers from the heyday of strict Freudian views of the unconscious, which most scientific psychologists have long abandoned …

Writer Vance Packard popularized the view of the unconscious in is 1957 smash bestseller, The Hidden Persuaders. Packard accepted uncritically the story of marketing consultant James Vicary, who supposedly conducted a successful demonstration of subliminal advertising at a Fort Lee, New Jersey movie theatre. … After much criticism, Vicary finally admitted in 1962 that he’d made up the whole story in an effort to revive his failing consulting business.

-50 Great Myths of Popular Psychology, Myth#5, Subliminal Messages

But, of course, it’s probably just Satan making us think that it’s all hooey. Because, the grand master of evil has to resort to cheap tricks and shiny lights to win souls.